how to ship a bike

method

The Skateboard

what you need

A skateboard. Ipod. Packing tape. A bike box full of bubble wrap. Also, a bike.

soundtrack

The Offspring, Days Go By. This is no time for artistic merit. Volume is the only thing that matters. It all sounds the same if you turn it up loud enough.

how you do it

Put all the bubble wrap on the bike. All of it. Do not skimp on this step. Run out of bubble wrap. Buy more. Keep wrapping the bike. Put the bike in the box. Tape shut. Use lots of tape. The bike might escape if you don’t.

Walk down stairs carrying bike box taped shut with bike in it and skateboard. Place box on skateboard. For best results place skateboard near front of box so you can manual over shit. Discover there’s a lot of shit to manual over on city sidewalks.

Turn up music louder. Push skateboard with bike box down sidewalk. Sing along to your ipod out loud. Dance at red lights. People, you are pushing a bike box down the sidewalk on a skateboard. Everyone is already looking at you funny. You might as well make a party out of it.

Arrive at UPS store. Hand over bike box and all your money. Hey! Nobody said this would be cheap!

Skateboard home. Unless skateboarding is banned on city streets and sidewalks in your town. Then, walk home carrying skateboard like the fine upstanding citizen you are. Turn up music louder.

pros

You get to listen to loud music. You can skateboard home. Dancing is good exercise. You don’t have to borrow your friend’s truck. People will look at you funny.

cons

There are cracks in the sidewalks. Also, road construction. Skateboarding is a crime where you live. It’s a drag running out of bubble wrap. The UPS store is not as close as you wish it was. The Offspring is not a very good band. People will look at you funny.