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Posts tagged ‘silly hijinx’

Thursday Morning Ride: Live Report

Wednesday, 8.00 pm: Yeah, sure, the 8.00 am RoCo ride. I’ll so be there. See ya tomorrow.

Thursday, 7.56 am: Jen, sitting on the couch, sipping an espresso. Because 8.00 am is far, far, too early. Uncivilized.

9.15 am: Roll out the door. 10.00 am is too late, 8.00 is too early, but 9.00? 9.00 am is just about right.

Pedal, pedal, pedal. Stoplight. Pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal.

9.35 am: Look, there’s Meh-wee-uhn!


Pedal, pedal. Suweet, now I’m not a total loser friend for slacking on the 8.00 am. And I don’t have to ride all by my silly self. I can ride with my silly self and Meh-wee-uhn’s silly self. Two silly selves are definitely better than one.

Life is good.

Pedal, pedal, pedal. Good thing I didn’t want to go surfing today. NeverBetter is bring your rubber ducky splish splash in the bathtub flat. Pedal, pedal, pedal.

9.45 am: KABAM! Spontaneous tubey combustion. At least it wasn’t a slime tubey. (There’s a story for another day…)

This event caused much headscratching. Like um, how the heck did that happen? Several offers of assistance from passersby were made. We thanked them nicely, because we’re always nice.

Meh-wee-uhn goes to work with the tire levers and such.

9.48 am: Problem. Short stem tube, deep-dish wheel.

What to do.

Jen: I think I have a long-stem tubey. Jen digs in seat pack, spewing contents all over. Oh, crap, it’s actually a short stem. But look, there’s a long stem on my rear wheel.


Tube swappage commences. My long stem for her short stem. Then we pumped both our tires back up. Actually, I used a CO2. Cuz I’m lazy that way.

Pedal, pedal, pedal.

10.15 am: A few small hills appear. We climb them.

Meh-wee-uhn tries to eat and climb with mixed success. We compare Gu to any number of nasty, unmentionable substances. I think I may never eat it again, actually. I tell a lame story about eating Japanese food at an interview in British Columbia. I behaved. The interviewing committee? Not so much.

10.45 am: Gosling crossing. A pair of leetle yellow goslings crosses the bike path. Mama Goose sticks out her pink tongue at us. And hisses. Nice goosey goose, very nice goosey goose, we’re like so out of here right now.

11.00 am: Meh-wee-uhn looks for the downhill lines on the UCSB bike path. No skin was lost in this adventure.
Jen makes a dicey pass by a stu rocking the cruiser no hands stylie. Do not try this at home.

11.05 am: Detailed discussion of favorite donuts ensues, a sure sign that someone is bonking. Powdered sugar scores high. So does frosted with sprinkles. Mmmm, dooonuts. What’s sugar made out of?

11.20 am: Safe and sound on Cannon Green. What the hell is a Cannon Green anyway?

Meh-wee-uhn waxes philosophical: You see, I think you need to have a fluid ego construction to survive bike racing. I mean, fluid, like an amoeba. My ego is an amoeba.

Meh-wee-uhn stops to think, looking perplexed: An amoeba. So what’s my psuedopod?

Jen laughs too hard to steer bike. Really, I think she should come with a warning label. Maybe we could plaster it across the back of her helmet? Think of the children.

11.30 am: Meh-wee-uhn goes in search of lunch. Jen continues pedaling. Things become less funny.

Pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal. TAILWIND! Wheeee! Pedal, pedal, pedal.

12.00 pm: Weather’s getting warmer. Jen looks for more pockets. Where do they go? Stuffs vest up jersey. Does best camel imitation.

Avoids eating Gu packet. So totally ruined. ForEVAH.

Swoops down descent, checks surf at Burrito. Not even an itty-bitty bit of windswell. Sigh.

Pedal, pedal, pedal. Why’d they put this climb here? Sigh, again. Pedal, pedal, pedal.

12.30 pm: Jen arrives home, dumps pockets on floor. Searches kitchen for donuts.

Finds blueberry poptarts instead. Frosted. With sprinkles.

Life is good.


Ich bin ein Berliner. I am a jelly donut.

The letters are wearing off my keyboard. There’s a blurry black splotch where the n is supposed to be. Same with the e, and the s, d, and c are catching up real quicklike. This is a regular occurence in my life, almost as regular as the wearing out of chains, cassettes, and other shiny moving parts made in Italy. For a while, I had a keyboard that had hardly any letters left at all. I could see all the numbers and those funky function keys, but no letters. This one’s still got some life left in it, though. It looks well-used, broken in, like a favorite pair of jeans with the perfect rip just starting to show in the knee.

Letters, shmetters.

Saturday, someone told me I’m funnier in blogworld than in real life. Funny? This blog thingy is serious business, dammit. Of course, if I were to be funny, it certainly would never happen before 10.00 am. Just because I’m riding my bike doesn’t mean I’m actually awake.

Pass the espresso. Yes, thank you, I’ll have another.

Somewhere in the neighborhood of two hours from home on Saturday’s ride, I broke my zipper. Of the lengthy list of things that can break on a bike ride, the jersey zipper ranks relatively low on the severity scale, somewhere between funny and annoying and a long way from expensive and catastropic. One does not, after all, have to walk home with a broken zipper. Nor is a cell phone necessary. But the weather was a tad on the chillier side of warm and while a base layer works really nice as, erm, a base layer, it did not work nearly so well as an only layer. My boobies froze.
Where was the old man standing by the side of the road with his Gazzetta? I needed that guy.
Spare tube? Check. C02? Check. Bonk money? Check. Safety pins? Um…

Shopping list:
Safety Pins.
Full-zip long-sleeve jersey.

That should just about cover it.