how to not be a dork

Even if you can’t surf like this, you can pretend you do.

So you want to make it look like you know something about surfing. Maybe you’ve heard that surfing is cool and you want to be cool, too. Everyone wants to be cool, because really, we’re all still in high school forever.

I’m here to help. With the surfing part, not necessarily the cool part. You’re on your own with that. But I can help you make sure you are not That Guy. There is so much wrong there. So much.

So here, my friends, is how not to look like a dork while pretending you know about surfing. Also, I’m not very good at titles.

1. No speedos. Never. There are no exceptions to this rule. If you have a surfboard in your hand, you are not wearing a speedo. Speedos are for Michael Phelps. You are not Michael Phelps.

2. Real men do not wear anything under their wetsuits. Did I mention the rule about the Speedo? Yes. Yes, I believe I did. Put your neoprene on your bare ass and go surf. Also, wetsuits should be black. You will never change my mind about this, so don’t even try.

3. When walking up the beach after your awesome session of falling down, getting water up your nose, and generally feeling like a drowning puppy, feel free to unzip your suit and pull it down around your waist. Show off that manly chest! You are so hot right now.

4. If you really want to look like you own the joint, saunter down the beach wearing your favorite surf brand. If you don’t have a favorite surf brand pick one. There are several to choose from. There’s even a Quicksilver store on the Champs Élysées for fuck’s sake. You have no excuses. Drape your wetsuit nonchalantly over your board and sling your backpack over your shoulder. Change on the beach. Try not to drop your towel. Go surf.

After your session, where you managed to kneeboard for five seconds in the whitewater, change back into your favorite surf brand. Do not wad your wetsuit up. Do not drag it in the sand. Carry it draped nonchalantly over your board. A black hat and dark sunglasses is also recommended. You are so cool right now. Everyone is looking at you and they all want to be you, this awesome, cool person who obviously knows how to surf.

5. You will not look cool if you’re board is too big for you to carry. Pick a board that looks sweet under your arm as you saunter down the beach. We’ve established you can’t actually surf, so it doesn’t actually matter what board you pick. Carry your board under your arm at a jaunty angle, wetsuit draped, flannel shirt wafting in the breeze. You look so cool right now. I can’t even.

That’s all there is to it. Now you know how to look like you’re a cool person who knows how to surf. But you can’t be cool just sitting on the couch. You have work to do. You have a surf brand to choose! And a board to pick out! And so much sauntering to do. Get busy! Nonchalantly.